I missed the memo about onsie-ectomies.
For the uninitiated, a onsie is a little bodysuit with a snaps at the crotch. It’s what all the cool babies are wearing these days, either as an undergarment on chilly days or as an outfit onto itself when it’s warm. If you ever get knocked up and have a baby shower, you’ll get approximately 576 onesies as gifts.
I went back to work when my perfect baby was about 9 weeks old. The stars had aligned to allow my husband to be a stay at home dad, but I missed my baby desperately, so one afternoon my husband brought our darling boy to my office for a visit. My sweet son chose this auspicious occasion to show us a new trick…pooping so prodigiously that the byproducts of his digestion escaped his diaper and migrated up his onesie–front and back.
Faced with this mess (and with no changing table in the ladies’ room…fancy office towers hate babies…) I laid down a changing pad on the plush carpet and assessed the situation. Usually, a onesie goes on and off over the baby’s head. In this instance, that maneuver would have resulted in extensive cross-contamination. So, I’ve done what parents in this situation have done since time immemorial. I grabbed a pair of scissors, and with surgical precision, I cut that onesie up the front and extricated my son from his poopy situation.
I gotta admit…it was kind of fun. I’d seen doctors and nurses cutting the clothing off of accident victims on medical TV shows, and I felt like I was reenacting a very low-stakes version of one of those scenarios. I had a nearly uncontrollable urge to say “STAT”! (Seriously, it was a Code Brown!)
The lessons from this experience were many. First, and most importantly, never underestimate the productivity of a 2 month old baby. Second, sometimes you have to cut your losses. Literally. Third, disgusting and hilarious are often two sides of the same coin. I find that laughter suppresses the urge to vomit, so I recommend it as a coping strategy whenever you have to clean up something gross. And finally, and most obviously, shit happens, so you can’t let it get you down. Memo received.
© 2011 Jamie Walker Ball