Movie Theater Justice


I missed the memo about movie theater justice.

I’m not usually a big fan of action/adventure/super hero movies, but I’m kind of jonesing to see the new Avengers movie.  I’m hearing great things about it and I’m thinking my husband and I may bestow upon this film the highest possible honor…hiring a babysitter so we can go see it together.  Seriously, it looks that good.

As I look forward to seeing The Avengers (and now that the statute of limitations has run) I want to tell one of my favorite stories about my husband, as it’s about a time when he avenged me at the movies.   A few years ago, we were at the theater enjoying a matinée of the Zach Braff  and Natalie Portman classic, Garden State.  As you might guess, this movie drew a rowdy crowd.

Caution: This quirky romance may inspire fist-a-cuffs.

As we were watching the movie, the guy in the row in front of us kept burping.  And we’re not talking little “oh pardon me” type burps.  This guy was burping like he was trying to win a contest.  Being the shrinking violet I am, I leaned forward and said, “Dude.”  And my husband said, “Man, grow up.”

In California, this passes for a very complete conversation.

The gassy theater goer did not acknowledge us, but apparently got the message, as he quit the burping and we all settled in for another hour or so of idiosyncratic sap.  But as the movie ended, the burper headed to the exit, turned around and threw his soda cup at the back of my head.  I wasn’t hurt, but clearly such an affront could not stand. Quick as a flash, my strapping husband was out of his seat and charging up the aisle.  By the time I made my way there, blows were exchanged.  The coup de grace came when my husband grabbed the guy’s face and drove it into his knee, and likely broke the guy’s nose.

Don’t mess with my husband. He knows Kung Fu, or at least he did when he was a teenager. See, that’s him in the middle. I think that means he just won, and I’m pretty sure he swept the leg and showed no mercy.

Understandably, at this point the burper pretty much punked out surrendered and wisely fled to the men’s room.  Having had enough fun for one day, we got the hell out of there before somebody did something crazy, like filing a police report.

If you know me or my husband, you’ll appreciate how nutty this was.  I think we’re both reasonably assertive, but mostly nice and accommodating people. My husband is a big guy and does have a lot of martial arts training. (And he’s yelling at me that it wasn’t Kung Fu, but rather Tae Kwon Do…whatevs…all I know is that he spent all a lot of his youth in white jammies practicing how to beat people up really bad, but I digress.)  As a consequence,  he can usually speak softly since he is the proverbial big stick. (If you want to make a filthy inference from that, I’m sure he’ll be quite pleased.)  We don’t go around picking fights, but I don’t think anyone would have stood for that soda cup throwing crap.

It was shocking, and I’ll admit a bit thrilling, to see my husband spring into action to defend me. I’m no damsel in distress, but it sure is nice to have a strong, decisive guy in your corner when the chips are down.  As I’ve said before, my husband is a nice guy, but he can be a total badass when he has to be. And I love that about him.  Wife avenged and memo received.

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10 thoughts on “Movie Theater Justice

  1. Jeff Hall May 12, 2012 / 3:05 pm

    I totally want to spar with him now. Crane kick! He looks like a real douche in that picture. On a side note, it was cool that he did that.

    • Jamie Walker Ball May 12, 2012 / 5:57 pm

      Ha! The resemblance to Billy Zabka is troubling, isn’t it? I’d like to see a round between you two–he’s got some reach on you, so bob and weave!

  2. Sheila Clapkin May 15, 2012 / 6:18 am

    Having a badass, nice guy who loves you enough to cover your back and fight for your honor is a blessing. Bravo Big Guy Husband of Jamie!

    • Jamie Walker Ball May 15, 2012 / 1:02 pm

      Thanks for reading, Sheila! And yep, I’m a lucky woman

  3. Susu May 15, 2012 / 1:33 pm

    I’m gonna use this as a bedtime story 😉 I absolutely love the justice, GO Ryan!!!

    • Jamie Walker Ball May 15, 2012 / 2:52 pm

      Thanks for reading, Susu! And yeah, Ryan is my hero!

  4. eli July 19, 2012 / 2:59 am

    Wonderful stories. It is like late nights in Traer all over again.

  5. Teri Butler Gibson November 14, 2012 / 8:05 pm

    i randomly ended up reading this today. and it totally made my day. a) i forgot how much fun reading your writing is, and b) the mental image of your husband opening up a can of whoopass on “disrespectful gassy man” (i mean who does that? REALLY.) is too awesome for words. i need to check in to your blog more often. memo received.

    • Jamie Walker Ball November 14, 2012 / 8:11 pm

      Thanks, Teri! And I need to make more time to write! I’m sure when I’m on maternity leave, I’ll have plenty of time! (hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha).

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